For the past couple of weeks, I've had no music and no art. I've sat by the window most of the day and looked out at the water. I've also done a lot of blog hopping.
Knowingly, I've been avoiding thinking about the reason behind my transition. There are moments in the day when the feelings rise up uncontrollably. I know grief is a complicated maze.
Tonight I bought the Hans Zimmers Inception Soundtrack and "Time" set me in this mood for thinking.
Guilt is what makes me most vulnerable right now. ZenDotStudio reminded me in her post that I need to show myself compassion.
Beth Witrogen McLeod writes, "Yet no matter how much we have done as caregivers, it takes time to feel we did enough, especially when we were trying to balance our complex of roles." Her book,
The Aftermath of Loss: Guilt vs. Relief, is specifically for caregivers in mourning.
Years ago, I had a dream of a burning house. Inside was one person; Outside was a woman. She was the partner of the person inside the burning building. The relationship was painful and she no longer wanted to be a part of it. Other people outside were throwing buckets of water on the flames trying to put the fire out. She watched for some time and finally said, "Let it burn."
Most of my dreams at that time were about my self in conflict. The people in the dreams were really different parts of me.
So, the burning question:
What boat do you need to burn?
I didn't do enough. That's the boat I'm burning.
Rationally, I know I uprooted myself for two years (along with my husband) to be my Mom's full time caregiver. I need to give myself credit for that and remember how happy Mom was that she had us all at home with her. I need to remember the times we had together because I was there.
see more here about the burning question series inspired by DanielleLaPorte.com